You Know Who You Are #1

Absolutely

A grand piano in the hallway gives me mild rush as I spend hours by it's side,

I always leave knowing I will return and feel the same way all over again.

I tell myself that you introduced me to music in a way that was refreshing.

On some days I pick up a Gosh perfume in a random supermarket alley, for I am sure that the gorgeous fragrance will make me happy.

I still haven't found it but I will keep looking, you know how I hate giving up.

Do you know that it was you who taught me about perseverance?

Vivid memories of a dusty classroom with yellow mid-afternoon sunlight creeping in through the windows,

Of loud infectious laughter and the reassuring blink of your eyes.

The smell of warm sweat as you hi-fived me after a match , it always made me wish I could play a sport half as well as you.

Of times when SMS was so cheap I could type with my eyes half shut,

Of days when chocachillo and cheesy pizza were the highlights of our day,

Surely, our friendship has weathered a myriad of seasons.

Your moments of deep sarcasm balanced my heightened emotion so well,

Your tender caring soothed me through troubled days,

You made me forget about my troubled past and the fears of tomorrow.

I remember your long strides on the tarmac as I often watched you draw closer,

Your sleeve that was sometimes soiled by my muffling,

Yet you always reminded me of solutions and of beautiful days.

Today I return to fond memories that are mine to keep forever,

Only to realize that I still haven't found a hand that fits mine as perfectly as yours did.

Some people believe that honesty has a heavy price to pay - yet you proved how easy it was to tell you the raw truth every single time,

No matter how tangled the reality , you would look at me just the same.

I sometimes turn to the first leaf of my bible , it is the only scrawl I have left of you.

I then well up as I am right now.

And smile shortly after because I know I wouldn't change a thing.

I am no poet or artist but you make me want to be one, as I wonder how lame this sounds to a stranger.

So I pick a song from that first CD you gifted me, and I share it with the stranger as I run out of things to say.

I am sure there was more I thought of when I walked back from school yesterday,

And I wish it was as simple as telling you my stories.

Absolutely - Nine Days

I hope you know who you are.

To Have Loved And Lost

... I have spent many a night dreaming of you, running my fingers softly on your cheeks. 
Last night was extra special, as I drifted peacefully, our breaths synced perfectly, it felt so real.
I stayed up till the sunlight streamed through my window pane, how could I close my eyes as I held on to the magic in my heart.
I became a victim of my own thoughts, as I lay in bed knowing I would soon be returning.
I knew the end wouldn't be any different, but I continued to walk towards you. 
I don't have anywhere to go, there aren't any safe steps, you aren't holding my hand my love.
I don't know where to look anymore, I stand still in wishful silence as you start to disappear.
But I haven't lost heart, you still make me smile, you still make me skip beats, you leave me yearning. 
I have loved and lost, and the sun is burning.
..so my spirit carries on, and I blow you a kiss.

My love is too big for you ...

Words come easy

... especially when I am playing Scrabble. I just counted and realized that I've been playing ten separate games with virtual faces using an app on my cellphone, on and off for the past 48 hours. All these games are currently alive on my device and I dare not count the boards I have finished. I feel very pathetic to be sitting on my swivel chair on a Friday evening and not do much besides think of two-lettered high scoring words that includes letters like Q, X & V. My high notes of the day have been notification tings at best. At this point, I cannot even get myself to grab dinner from the fridge. I am not sure if it is lack of appetite or boredom or a combination of both. I cannot do much beyond try and write this post. I hope that it will do little if not much , to redeem me out of a rather aimless day if I succeed in clicking the publish button. 

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy this kind of solitude as opposed to  most people I know. I pay close attention to Ella's purring and I can even hear the dull drone of an air conditioner in the background as yellow light perfectly fills up my cozy hotel room. The silence gives me the opportunity to slow down and think of dreamy things and then gradually engage in what has been one my favorite activities lately - Concoct travel plans and pretend that a few good friends will gladly make time to join me. The way I see it is that there is no harm in letting one's imagination fly. My imagination has always shown me much more than what reality has cared to serve on my plate. I nurture these thoughts in my mind, and I let them soar. I even have conversations with the imagery, when I am sketching, when I am  baking, when I am folding clothes. The technique is cheap but I discovered that it works very well to keep me happy. 

Ellouise sleeping while I write this post

It is time for some introspection so I turn to look at my cat. Her existence is so needless as compared to mine. She always manages to find the softest spot and then naps into blissful oblivion. It seems so simple and effortless. And then I look at my reflection in the mirror. I have had to work for my peace. Sometimes it's hard work ,and sometimes not so much. And today I can truthfully say I have had more satisfaction than regret. More love than longing. A relative share of small successes to overlook a few failures. I definitely have had more good than bad. When I scratch the surface and look deeper, the inside is not very different. That's very comforting and I smile :) 

Yes I could have done things differently, I could have forgiven more, I could have worked harder, I could have hidden less, I could have been less caustic, I could have opened my heart a lot more. But then... I must be fair and acknowledge that the evolution of my personality has followed a steady trajectory in the recent times. It seems like there is some surgery to be had on the aspect of positive thinking. Someone I care about very much rightly pointed out that there is still that obvious strain of cynicism. The person may not realize the impact of that honest feedback about me, but it has stuck in my mind in a good way. It was a fleeting conversation and I didn't particularly enjoy it when he told me what he thought. However in mature response, I think I will do better if I permit myself and others more chances that I usually care to give. 

It would also be unfair if I didn't thank Dee, room-mate of 2 years, she wore her soothsayer shoes for my sake all through graduate school. She reminded me to choose a path where I am constantly dishing out this thing called 'benefit of doubt', instead of harboring confusion and other ugly thoughts. And she taught me in the best way possible - by being a good example. Dee I may write you something more original if I feel inspired at a later date but for now I leave you a song that reminds me of last summer's sepia tones. 

Shut Your Eyes

On a beautiful fall afternoon almost 2 years ago, I met him. I distinctly remember my impressions of this tall and fit boy. It was love at first sight even though he remained mostly reserved. 

His mum told me about how he has always been slow to trust due to a troubled past. He didn't resist my company but I was surely not earning his affection just yet. 

I met him as much as I could. We would walk, converse and play and one day he decided to lean against me. That day was a special one - he finally decided to show me what unrestrained and deep affection was all about. There has been no turning back and the wait was worth it.

His name is Toby, and he is the older of a golden retriever duo. I will write about little Marley and his curly white lashes another time. Tonight I am all Toby's. His breathing is labored, but Toby decides to stay as calm as he possibly can while the rest of us are crumbling around him. 

His mum always uses Peace to describe him. She couldn't have chosen a better word to signify his personality. Toby gave me love and peace as he leaned against me each time he greeted me. Every time he turned to make sure if I was still there. And every time he said goodbye when it was time to return home.

I feel very honored tonight as he wears my tee and sleeps near my arm. One of his soft ears flaps by the side of the bed as he curls comfortably next to his mum.

Toby we will let you go if you are ready, but till then I know you will keep doing your best. Your demeanor indicates not an ounce of resistance nor conflict typical of death. I am not surprised and hope that I can reflect the same kind of acceptance when my time comes. I will smile when I think of all our relaxing strides as we walked together past stone-arch and into cobbled streets. I will remember the night you visited us and let me know how much you loved your brother's birthday cake. And because I am human, I continue to hope that you will make it to your sixth Toby. 

I look at your drooping brown eyes as you ask of me nothing more but calmness tonight.

Rhetorical Questions Are Allowed

If I whispered my secrets in your ear, 

Would you embrace me soon afterward?

If I played with your fingers when you gave me your hands,

Would you humor the child in me?

Stars in the waters ~ Minneapolis, Aug 2010

If I slept on the couch while watching a movie,

Would I magically find myself in bed by morning?

If I rested my head on your shoulder,

Would you play with my hair so I remember no reality?

Pinks in the garden ~ Mangalore, June 2009

If I played our favorite song on the piano,

Would you hum to complete the tune?

If I slipped into momentary recklessness,

Would you be patient until I returned?

Prayers and Candles ~ Bethlehem, Dec 2007

If I retreated to a gorgeous mountain,

Would you be there relishing the magnanimity with me?

If I looked at you in a moment of tenderness,

Would you let me gently braze your neck when I passed by?

Ella chasing sparrows ~ Nov 2011

If I wanted to waltz on the street,

Would you negate the need for any music?

If I already knew the answers to my questions,

Would I still be here?

Yes. Always yes.

Picture Of The Sun ~ Stella Stagecoach

Of Life's Little Faith

I suggest that you listen to Do You Believe as you read what follows..

I learned very early in life to place trust deeper than necessary in people, in outcomes, in hope, in expecting more truth than lies. To open my mind as much as possible towards all-round reality - in the innate beauty of the earth and its inhabitants. 
  

Now it might be a good time to also announce that I have had several unfortunate experiences along the way. But not enough to squash my view that there is always some scope for a little bit of niceness even in an ugly situation. The scorecard is still tilting in right direction so I have no reason to change my outlook too much.

The modus operandi is quite straightforward - Offer enough faith, or slightly more than is expected, at the nascent stages of the interaction. With this kind of optimistic approach, what happens is that people are a little taken aback with the open trust and forthright good treatment. Most of the time, the result of this experiment is amazing and unexpected. Not knowing how else to react, people reciprocate in similar ways after trudging over that hill of skepticism. 

My mother ,who taught me many beautiful things, also taught me about faith- the kind of faith that would potentially be perceived as naive. However, what is deemed as weakness is more like uncanny strength to me.

My experiences have made me incredibly cynical over the years, but I try and clamber onto these roots of faith whenever I am reminded of her. Tomorrow several people will extend more love to their mothers. I am not sure I'll do anything overtly special for her. This year I choose to thank her for showing me through her own life how to not give up on my belief in goodness. No matter what.

Post certain events of the recent few months, I was moved to think that all this positivism isn't worth it when reality is so grim. But I learned soon later that I was wrong. Yin-yang much. 

Tiny edit : And I enjoyed a tender moment last night :) 

So this is a rather morbid track, but I love it for its soul.

Key in the door, the moment I've been longing for
Before my bag hit the floor
My adorable children rush up screaming for a kiss,
and a story, they're a gift to this world
My only claim to glory
I surely never knew sweeter days
Blows my mind like munitions
I'm amazed.

Until Soon

My parents left to their hemisphere. I feel very lonely tonight. And I am in the library studying for 2 final papers due in less than the number of hours I want to keep track of. 

I am not sure how many people here in US land feel the same way but loneliness binds me in ways I cannot quite fathom. I've lived majority of the last decade , maybe longer, away from home. However the last couple of years have been explicitly lonesome in bouts. Strange because I am supposed to be used to separation by now. I will not deny my sentimentality for the family, but the distance from them feels like the kind that cannot be trespassed even if I wanted to. The flight home is forbidden. For multiple reasons - related to the actual physical distance in itself and also other factors that I'd rather keep silent about. The latter keeps me away from home by choice. Let me digress a little bit and very lazily explain the need for vocabulary constraint on my part...I will do that by quoting a very talented writer T who writes in an anniversary post how it isn't always necessary to share and preserve. I cannot stress how that affects outcomes and consequences. I must add that for expressive people like your's truly, that can be a Herculean task most of the times. So when I am conscious of the need for control, I redirect my energies either towards art or else baking. Nothing beats kitchen zen, many of you would agree. However, tonight I am in the mood for some digital art. The kind that has to be time consuming for proper fulfillment and an essential dose of satisfaction.  

I feel most inspired to create something when I am at the extremities of the emotion scale. Tonight is such a night and I wish I could do more than just quickly type this post. Lectures must be watched, facts must be assimilated, a long night ahead. But I'd much rather get started on that awesome idea I have in mind. I won't because I cannot afford any more academic suicide. Argh some more restraint!

My parents cried as they said goodbye, and I felt like laughing as I hugged them before walking away in the opposite direction. I tried very hard and the best I could come up with was a chuckle and some inaudible shushing to make it clear that the emotional outpouring was highly unnecessary. My folks didn't budge, they made it clear that they were heart broken and in true parental-style unashamed to show me how much. I did the same thing when I left home for the first time , about ten years younger and more excited than I could recount. I remember settling into my plane seat and finally closing my eyes, exhausted from last minute running around and concealing emotion by being busy. Nothing much has changed. I will always be their child. 


Looking back at the last couple of weeks, I can confidently claim that we spent some quality time after what seemed like ages. The only sour points being the fact that my brother wasn't around and that I chose not to let my parents in on my newest dark secret. I really wanted to tell them than live under this shady umbrella of psuedo-lies till who knows when. I tried on three separate occasions but bigger truth rests in the fact that I am a spineless wuss.

I shall sayonara with the rediscovery of an awesome track reintroduced to me by someone very special who will soon be graced with a long due you-know-who-you-are post.