... especially when I am playing Scrabble. I just counted and realized that I've been playing ten separate games with virtual faces using an app on my cellphone, on and off for the past 48 hours. All these games are currently alive on my device and I dare not count the boards I have finished. I feel very pathetic to be sitting on my swivel chair on a Friday evening and not do much besides think of two-lettered high scoring words that includes letters like Q, X & V. My high notes of the day have been notification tings at best. At this point, I cannot even get myself to grab dinner from the fridge. I am not sure if it is lack of appetite or boredom or a combination of both. I cannot do much beyond try and write this post. I hope that it will do little if not much , to redeem me out of a rather aimless day if I succeed in clicking the publish button.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy this kind of solitude as opposed to most people I know. I pay close attention to Ella's purring and I can even hear the dull drone of an air conditioner in the background as yellow light perfectly fills up my cozy hotel room. The silence gives me the opportunity to slow down and think of dreamy things and then gradually engage in what has been one my favorite activities lately - Concoct travel plans and pretend that a few good friends will gladly make time to join me. The way I see it is that there is no harm in letting one's imagination fly. My imagination has always shown me much more than what reality has cared to serve on my plate. I nurture these thoughts in my mind, and I let them soar. I even have conversations with the imagery, when I am sketching, when I am baking, when I am folding clothes. The technique is cheap but I discovered that it works very well to keep me happy.
Ellouise sleeping while I write this post
It is time for some introspection so I turn to look at my cat. Her existence is so needless as compared to mine. She always manages to find the softest spot and then naps into blissful oblivion. It seems so simple and effortless. And then I look at my reflection in the mirror. I have had to work for my peace. Sometimes it's hard work ,and sometimes not so much. And today I can truthfully say I have had more satisfaction than regret. More love than longing. A relative share of small successes to overlook a few failures. I definitely have had more good than bad. When I scratch the surface and look deeper, the inside is not very different. That's very comforting and I smile :)
Yes I could have done things differently, I could have forgiven more, I could have worked harder, I could have hidden less, I could have been less caustic, I could have opened my heart a lot more. But then... I must be fair and acknowledge that the evolution of my personality has followed a steady trajectory in the recent times. It seems like there is some surgery to be had on the aspect of positive thinking. Someone I care about very much rightly pointed out that there is still that obvious strain of cynicism. The person may not realize the impact of that honest feedback about me, but it has stuck in my mind in a good way. It was a fleeting conversation and I didn't particularly enjoy it when he told me what he thought. However in mature response, I think I will do better if I permit myself and others more chances that I usually care to give.
It would also be unfair if I didn't thank Dee, room-mate of 2 years, she wore her soothsayer shoes for my sake all through graduate school. She reminded me to choose a path where I am constantly dishing out this thing called 'benefit of doubt', instead of harboring confusion and other ugly thoughts. And she taught me in the best way possible - by being a good example. Dee I may write you something more original if I feel inspired at a later date but for now I leave you a song that reminds me of last summer's sepia tones.
