When ...

... sleep evades me,

I pray that a song as gentle as this rocks me to sleep.

But Kaavish does not have that effect on me tonight,

So I gaze at an almost blank canvas as melody tinkles in the background.

Until very recently, I could not sleep long stretches into the night. I forgot what deep slumber was all about for several years, and my only comfort lay in the hope that I would not dream of anything disturbing if I did close my eyes long enough to slip into REM. Thankfully the situation is a lot less morbid off late. I have doctors and a few wonderful human beings to thank. I also want to write a tiny note of appreciation to myself for some helpless perseverance. I cannot describe enough but I definitely realize that a tiny seed of adversity has been my antidote all along. 

On nights like these I lay down peacefully and manage to successfully dodge all forms of guilt with much success. I should be working very hard ahead of a predictably insane week, but I am choosing to lie flat on my back, and use a furry pet as my worthy object of distraction. I can hear her purring , my cat Ella. I know I am not alone. And I consider the art of talking to self a gift when I have nothing better to offer my soul, as strange as that sounds. Speaking of strange, I managed to confess my emotions very oddly to a friend and I am now blissfully unaware of what to do next. So I will do nothing. 

May I offer you a picture that is testimony of a calm facade? 

A pair of ducks - Lake Harriet - August 2010

And maybe a song too -

While you sleep you'll see me there 
Clouds race across the sky 
Close your eyes and don't ask why 
And I'll be a blue moon in your eyes 

A Love Like That

Reflections amid the saltiness of the Dead Sea, Syria - Dec 2007

I know my posts are dishing out to be very sappy off late. I will redeem myself soon, however in the meantime a man wins my admiration. His name is John Steinbeck.

And I quote from the all-resourceful Wikipedia:

In 1962, Steinbeck won the Nobel Prize for literature for his 'realistic and imaginative writing, combining as it does sympathetic humor and keen social perception'. On the day of the announcement when he was asked by a reporter at a press conference given by his publisher, if he thought he deserved the Nobel, he said: "Frankly, no".

In his acceptance speech later in the year in Stockholm, he said:

"The writer is delegated to declare and to celebrate man's proven capacity for greatness of heart and spirit—for gallantry in defeat, for courage, compassion and love. In the endless war against weakness and despair, these are the bright rally flags of hope and of emulation. I hold that a writer who does not believe in the perfectibility of man has no dedication nor any membership in literature." 

Swatcat, my model and friend, shared a quote this morning. Honestly, other than Khalil Gibran , no other author wins my fancy. However I must admit Steinberg earns my respect for wonderfully describing Love in a note to his son and he moves me enough to want to share with you as well -

There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you - of kindness and consideration and respect - not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness even wisdom you didn't know you had.

I have been fortunate to know a love like that.

Share with you an interesting piece from Travis , I really like the video -

Of Imperfections On A Beautiful Day

I start this post with absolutely no idea of what I am going to write about. I just figured a phrase about imperfections may be a good way to catch your attention. Or maybe it's some inane desire to express myself tonight even though I cannot put my finger on what it is that I am really feeling at this moment. I think the latter statement has more truth in it. There, I already feel better that I am no longer conning you into thinking that this is going to get very interesting, so you choose to continue at your own risk. At worst, you would have thrown away some more of your precious time into harmless cyberspace, which I am sure isn't as bad as other horrible things that could happen to you right now :)

Today has been a good day for multiple reasons. I began my morning with a relaxing walk under light drizzle. I had petrichor to greet me and some happy thoughts running through my head. (Hey, I learn these strange words thanks to a certain namesake). I suppose I lucked out big-time this morning because to my right sat Gotu, while I happily munched on buttered toast and nutty pancakes at Al's, the fabled breakfast place in Dinkytown, Minneapolis. I consider myself lucky because it is almost by chance that I hooked up with G who magically gets finger-counted among good company at the U. So, in a sequence of rather fortunate events, we walked under green trees and pretty blue skies. Not only that, I kicked some wet mud as my feet landed on the earth and the wind gently kissed my face. It was just an innocent detour. It was a swing. It was a grassy park. It was a handful of handsome smiles. In those moments, it was all perfection.

And don't you just love going back to sleep late into the morning after with a belly-full of great breakfast? Rare occasion as I laid my head on the cool side of my pillow and curled up for two extra hours of the day. The sleep was exquisite and so were the silly dreams of home. My Ella then decided to stick her tongue out to properly signify blissful nap state, and I've never seen her do that before. Oddly enough, I didn't think I would be too fond of felines however this cat redefines pet innocence every single day. Yes, every single day and then she sells me out. If that isn't ransom, I am not sure what is.

Ella cuddle-face pink tongue - 17 Apr 2012

I am not sure if I should chronicle everything about this nearly awesome day so I will skip details for the sake of people's privacy and the ungodly hour of the night. Filtering is also essential when it comes to forms of expression, and I have not learned this lesson too well but I try. Most significantly, I watched Garden State for the second time (Caught an immediate release way back in 2004, compulsion to document useless facts in this blog) and cheered up at this scene among others :

The very talented Zach Braff won the grammy for the awesome songs that he apparently hand-picked for this movie. I think my favorite part of the movie is how it ends with a lot less perfection than one would expect of movie stories. Of not knowing what to do. Of allowing life to steer you through rough patches without much resistance. And as I said earlier, I am not sure myself tonight. I don't know where I am really headed in life but what I am aware of for sure is that satisfaction is today and now. I also suspect that a large part of it has also got to do with euphoric feelings of attraction, but heck I am going to permit myself to take advantage of beauty in the breakdown.

And if you took to me

Like the gull takes to the wind...

Tum chalo toh apna desh chale

I am not sure what patriotism is all about. I have thought about it at length, and the end result is a mere string of emotions that is purely personal in nature. Many people have tried to define it, and like anything else that is a matter of perspective, patriotism is difficult to sketch. Being patriotic means different things to different people, so I am a little wary of my own attempt at articulating it. Joy, truth, war, hatred, forgiveness and love fall into a similar category of hard-to-describe words.

So today, I will simply re-iterate a couple of lines from Prasoon Joshi's recent poetry - they tug at me and remind me of my love for India. My saving grace is that songs have a way of allowing for open interpretation.

... Tere ishq ka ye junoon hai,

Rag rag mein ishq tera daudta

Yeh bawra sa khoon hai.

~ From Satyamev Jayate's Theme Song

Yeh woh bandan hai jo tooth nahee sakta ...

Home is where the heart is - #UniteBahrain

Can we start over Bahrain?

Quickie #001

Anyone Else But You

I could stop thinking about you if I really tried, but I don't.

I want cool breeze to blow through my hair and yours,

But I doubt we'll walk with locked fingers by the seas.

Something tells me this will pass like the ebbs of a dying wind,

And we'll be left with pretty impressions in the sands.

So I nudge my imagination to shush a little,

But it is hard as I hang on to weak shreds of patience.

I know I ought to be happy with gathering memories,

So why do I allow my heart to dream of anything more...

... Of recklessness and craziness.

You probably don't know, but I do...

.. that I would kiss you in a beat if you came any closer.

Muskaan

I can see your face so clear,

making me happy,

the world must understand..

~ From The shadow of your smile by Marvin Gaye

Way back in 2006 I logged something to the effect of - If a guy's charm doesn't knock me off, his smile surely will. Very little has changed since that first admission. I suppose I can now generalize the confession towards both genders and say with absolute certainty that I notice gorgeous smiles and refuse to forget about them. Facial features, physical gestures and gait usually register in my memory with minimal effort. Not much of consciousness there but then I find myself remembering contours and lines, especially around the lips and eyes. There are a few faces that come to mind now, as I think of their beautiful smiles and recount the details of those moments.

• I poked you with my index finger (gently?) and you turned to look at me with an expression .. an expression that was memorably sweet as you said Hi!... I had to turn away in a split second, but your smile lingered in my mind as I stood in line and it left me rather surprised that I hadn't noticed you before. In retrospect, I am sure that you didn't expect me to appear so suddenly from the other direction, because I've hardly seen you react with that expression. A moment's chance but I'm so glad I caught it - the fine lines near the corners of your eyes (Eyes - I discovered soon later they are the shape of almonds), the arched ones around your lips and your teeth that showed a little because of the fullness of your smile. You brightened my mood on that chilly morning and inspired me to write this post, so take a bow.

• Dear girl behind the cash register : I hope you never come across this blog, even by mistake. I don't want you to get conscious of the fact that I sometimes look forward to that short walk from the class to the bus stop with a simple and tiny hope that you'll look up at me from your table. And if that happens, you acknowledge my presence and then, as if so naturally, I decide to buy a candy even if I don't want one. You are beautiful and I mumbled that once in a fleeting conversation.. I didn't however elaborate that your gentle face adorns the prettiest smile I've seen in ages. While you're busy clicking keys, I catch a few stares to take in details. Among other things I find not an ounce of make up , not even kohl on your tall figurine. Only a hastily tied pony tail, your hazel eyes and a lazy fringe to frame the picture in my mind.

• How many people have been floored by your great looks? Perhaps you don't care much to keep a count off-late. Yes, you are all of attractive as attractive can get. However both of us know that I am no stranger to the mischievous side to your personality, as much as I am aware of your deep vulnerability and immense strength , all in that tiny package. So - like many other days, I will talk of your smile that has an uncanny knack of illuminating the darkest room in the hallway. I watch you tilt your head full of brown wavy hair that is in nice contrast to your pale skin. And when you smile , your green eyes light up and twinkle for a while only to gently reduce in size moments later. Those eyes almost shut by now, but just enough to warm spirits. It's hard not to cheer up with that kind of infectiousness.

• This is by no means your most celebrated introduction , but cousin I cross my fingers and fervently hope you don't get succored into believing the insults they keep throwing at you. Your life is taking strange turns, most of them not the ideal kind. But today I want to compliment you for what should be an excuse to celebrate, and even so win a rare acknowledgement from the sensible few at home. Observation tells me you've inherited that brilliant grin from your mother's genes. I really don't want to feel this when I am supposed to be talking of smiles, but every time I recollect memories of you I can only distinctly remember you getting into trouble. For one reason or the other. I will not blame you like the rest or worse still point fingers at the influences. Instead, I choose to attribute it all as the outcome of your environment and experiences that you had little control over. The last time we met, there was hardly any time for sensible conversation. Oddly enough, I don't think you had much to smile about then. It makes me angry that you just might turn into the colossal failure that everyone is shamelessly predicting about behind your back. However, I hold in my heart enough optimism to consider all of them liars. Let me also tell you that unbeknownst to the elders, there are many black sheep in the family, but certainly only a single dark one who bears a smile as spectacular as yours.

The shadow of your smile

When you are gone

Will color all my dreams

And light the dawn..

~ From The shadow of your smile by Marvin Gaye