Until Soon

My parents left to their hemisphere. I feel very lonely tonight. And I am in the library studying for 2 final papers due in less than the number of hours I want to keep track of. 

I am not sure how many people here in US land feel the same way but loneliness binds me in ways I cannot quite fathom. I've lived majority of the last decade , maybe longer, away from home. However the last couple of years have been explicitly lonesome in bouts. Strange because I am supposed to be used to separation by now. I will not deny my sentimentality for the family, but the distance from them feels like the kind that cannot be trespassed even if I wanted to. The flight home is forbidden. For multiple reasons - related to the actual physical distance in itself and also other factors that I'd rather keep silent about. The latter keeps me away from home by choice. Let me digress a little bit and very lazily explain the need for vocabulary constraint on my part...I will do that by quoting a very talented writer T who writes in an anniversary post how it isn't always necessary to share and preserve. I cannot stress how that affects outcomes and consequences. I must add that for expressive people like your's truly, that can be a Herculean task most of the times. So when I am conscious of the need for control, I redirect my energies either towards art or else baking. Nothing beats kitchen zen, many of you would agree. However, tonight I am in the mood for some digital art. The kind that has to be time consuming for proper fulfillment and an essential dose of satisfaction.  

I feel most inspired to create something when I am at the extremities of the emotion scale. Tonight is such a night and I wish I could do more than just quickly type this post. Lectures must be watched, facts must be assimilated, a long night ahead. But I'd much rather get started on that awesome idea I have in mind. I won't because I cannot afford any more academic suicide. Argh some more restraint!

My parents cried as they said goodbye, and I felt like laughing as I hugged them before walking away in the opposite direction. I tried very hard and the best I could come up with was a chuckle and some inaudible shushing to make it clear that the emotional outpouring was highly unnecessary. My folks didn't budge, they made it clear that they were heart broken and in true parental-style unashamed to show me how much. I did the same thing when I left home for the first time , about ten years younger and more excited than I could recount. I remember settling into my plane seat and finally closing my eyes, exhausted from last minute running around and concealing emotion by being busy. Nothing much has changed. I will always be their child. 


Looking back at the last couple of weeks, I can confidently claim that we spent some quality time after what seemed like ages. The only sour points being the fact that my brother wasn't around and that I chose not to let my parents in on my newest dark secret. I really wanted to tell them than live under this shady umbrella of psuedo-lies till who knows when. I tried on three separate occasions but bigger truth rests in the fact that I am a spineless wuss.

I shall sayonara with the rediscovery of an awesome track reintroduced to me by someone very special who will soon be graced with a long due you-know-who-you-are post.