To Have Loved And Lost

... I have spent many a night dreaming of you, running my fingers softly on your cheeks. 
Last night was extra special, as I drifted peacefully, our breaths synced perfectly, it felt so real.
I stayed up till the sunlight streamed through my window pane, how could I close my eyes as I held on to the magic in my heart.
I became a victim of my own thoughts, as I lay in bed knowing I would soon be returning.
I knew the end wouldn't be any different, but I continued to walk towards you. 
I don't have anywhere to go, there aren't any safe steps, you aren't holding my hand my love.
I don't know where to look anymore, I stand still in wishful silence as you start to disappear.
But I haven't lost heart, you still make me smile, you still make me skip beats, you leave me yearning. 
I have loved and lost, and the sun is burning.
..so my spirit carries on, and I blow you a kiss.

My love is too big for you ...

Words come easy

... especially when I am playing Scrabble. I just counted and realized that I've been playing ten separate games with virtual faces using an app on my cellphone, on and off for the past 48 hours. All these games are currently alive on my device and I dare not count the boards I have finished. I feel very pathetic to be sitting on my swivel chair on a Friday evening and not do much besides think of two-lettered high scoring words that includes letters like Q, X & V. My high notes of the day have been notification tings at best. At this point, I cannot even get myself to grab dinner from the fridge. I am not sure if it is lack of appetite or boredom or a combination of both. I cannot do much beyond try and write this post. I hope that it will do little if not much , to redeem me out of a rather aimless day if I succeed in clicking the publish button. 

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy this kind of solitude as opposed to  most people I know. I pay close attention to Ella's purring and I can even hear the dull drone of an air conditioner in the background as yellow light perfectly fills up my cozy hotel room. The silence gives me the opportunity to slow down and think of dreamy things and then gradually engage in what has been one my favorite activities lately - Concoct travel plans and pretend that a few good friends will gladly make time to join me. The way I see it is that there is no harm in letting one's imagination fly. My imagination has always shown me much more than what reality has cared to serve on my plate. I nurture these thoughts in my mind, and I let them soar. I even have conversations with the imagery, when I am sketching, when I am  baking, when I am folding clothes. The technique is cheap but I discovered that it works very well to keep me happy. 

Ellouise sleeping while I write this post

It is time for some introspection so I turn to look at my cat. Her existence is so needless as compared to mine. She always manages to find the softest spot and then naps into blissful oblivion. It seems so simple and effortless. And then I look at my reflection in the mirror. I have had to work for my peace. Sometimes it's hard work ,and sometimes not so much. And today I can truthfully say I have had more satisfaction than regret. More love than longing. A relative share of small successes to overlook a few failures. I definitely have had more good than bad. When I scratch the surface and look deeper, the inside is not very different. That's very comforting and I smile :) 

Yes I could have done things differently, I could have forgiven more, I could have worked harder, I could have hidden less, I could have been less caustic, I could have opened my heart a lot more. But then... I must be fair and acknowledge that the evolution of my personality has followed a steady trajectory in the recent times. It seems like there is some surgery to be had on the aspect of positive thinking. Someone I care about very much rightly pointed out that there is still that obvious strain of cynicism. The person may not realize the impact of that honest feedback about me, but it has stuck in my mind in a good way. It was a fleeting conversation and I didn't particularly enjoy it when he told me what he thought. However in mature response, I think I will do better if I permit myself and others more chances that I usually care to give. 

It would also be unfair if I didn't thank Dee, room-mate of 2 years, she wore her soothsayer shoes for my sake all through graduate school. She reminded me to choose a path where I am constantly dishing out this thing called 'benefit of doubt', instead of harboring confusion and other ugly thoughts. And she taught me in the best way possible - by being a good example. Dee I may write you something more original if I feel inspired at a later date but for now I leave you a song that reminds me of last summer's sepia tones. 

Shut Your Eyes

On a beautiful fall afternoon almost 2 years ago, I met him. I distinctly remember my impressions of this tall and fit boy. It was love at first sight even though he remained mostly reserved. 

His mum told me about how he has always been slow to trust due to a troubled past. He didn't resist my company but I was surely not earning his affection just yet. 

I met him as much as I could. We would walk, converse and play and one day he decided to lean against me. That day was a special one - he finally decided to show me what unrestrained and deep affection was all about. There has been no turning back and the wait was worth it.

His name is Toby, and he is the older of a golden retriever duo. I will write about little Marley and his curly white lashes another time. Tonight I am all Toby's. His breathing is labored, but Toby decides to stay as calm as he possibly can while the rest of us are crumbling around him. 

His mum always uses Peace to describe him. She couldn't have chosen a better word to signify his personality. Toby gave me love and peace as he leaned against me each time he greeted me. Every time he turned to make sure if I was still there. And every time he said goodbye when it was time to return home.

I feel very honored tonight as he wears my tee and sleeps near my arm. One of his soft ears flaps by the side of the bed as he curls comfortably next to his mum.

Toby we will let you go if you are ready, but till then I know you will keep doing your best. Your demeanor indicates not an ounce of resistance nor conflict typical of death. I am not surprised and hope that I can reflect the same kind of acceptance when my time comes. I will smile when I think of all our relaxing strides as we walked together past stone-arch and into cobbled streets. I will remember the night you visited us and let me know how much you loved your brother's birthday cake. And because I am human, I continue to hope that you will make it to your sixth Toby. 

I look at your drooping brown eyes as you ask of me nothing more but calmness tonight.

Rhetorical Questions Are Allowed

If I whispered my secrets in your ear, 

Would you embrace me soon afterward?

If I played with your fingers when you gave me your hands,

Would you humor the child in me?

Stars in the waters ~ Minneapolis, Aug 2010

If I slept on the couch while watching a movie,

Would I magically find myself in bed by morning?

If I rested my head on your shoulder,

Would you play with my hair so I remember no reality?

Pinks in the garden ~ Mangalore, June 2009

If I played our favorite song on the piano,

Would you hum to complete the tune?

If I slipped into momentary recklessness,

Would you be patient until I returned?

Prayers and Candles ~ Bethlehem, Dec 2007

If I retreated to a gorgeous mountain,

Would you be there relishing the magnanimity with me?

If I looked at you in a moment of tenderness,

Would you let me gently braze your neck when I passed by?

Ella chasing sparrows ~ Nov 2011

If I wanted to waltz on the street,

Would you negate the need for any music?

If I already knew the answers to my questions,

Would I still be here?

Yes. Always yes.

Picture Of The Sun ~ Stella Stagecoach

Of Life's Little Faith

I suggest that you listen to Do You Believe as you read what follows..

I learned very early in life to place trust deeper than necessary in people, in outcomes, in hope, in expecting more truth than lies. To open my mind as much as possible towards all-round reality - in the innate beauty of the earth and its inhabitants. 
  

Now it might be a good time to also announce that I have had several unfortunate experiences along the way. But not enough to squash my view that there is always some scope for a little bit of niceness even in an ugly situation. The scorecard is still tilting in right direction so I have no reason to change my outlook too much.

The modus operandi is quite straightforward - Offer enough faith, or slightly more than is expected, at the nascent stages of the interaction. With this kind of optimistic approach, what happens is that people are a little taken aback with the open trust and forthright good treatment. Most of the time, the result of this experiment is amazing and unexpected. Not knowing how else to react, people reciprocate in similar ways after trudging over that hill of skepticism. 

My mother ,who taught me many beautiful things, also taught me about faith- the kind of faith that would potentially be perceived as naive. However, what is deemed as weakness is more like uncanny strength to me.

My experiences have made me incredibly cynical over the years, but I try and clamber onto these roots of faith whenever I am reminded of her. Tomorrow several people will extend more love to their mothers. I am not sure I'll do anything overtly special for her. This year I choose to thank her for showing me through her own life how to not give up on my belief in goodness. No matter what.

Post certain events of the recent few months, I was moved to think that all this positivism isn't worth it when reality is so grim. But I learned soon later that I was wrong. Yin-yang much. 

Tiny edit : And I enjoyed a tender moment last night :) 

So this is a rather morbid track, but I love it for its soul.

Key in the door, the moment I've been longing for
Before my bag hit the floor
My adorable children rush up screaming for a kiss,
and a story, they're a gift to this world
My only claim to glory
I surely never knew sweeter days
Blows my mind like munitions
I'm amazed.

Until Soon

My parents left to their hemisphere. I feel very lonely tonight. And I am in the library studying for 2 final papers due in less than the number of hours I want to keep track of. 

I am not sure how many people here in US land feel the same way but loneliness binds me in ways I cannot quite fathom. I've lived majority of the last decade , maybe longer, away from home. However the last couple of years have been explicitly lonesome in bouts. Strange because I am supposed to be used to separation by now. I will not deny my sentimentality for the family, but the distance from them feels like the kind that cannot be trespassed even if I wanted to. The flight home is forbidden. For multiple reasons - related to the actual physical distance in itself and also other factors that I'd rather keep silent about. The latter keeps me away from home by choice. Let me digress a little bit and very lazily explain the need for vocabulary constraint on my part...I will do that by quoting a very talented writer T who writes in an anniversary post how it isn't always necessary to share and preserve. I cannot stress how that affects outcomes and consequences. I must add that for expressive people like your's truly, that can be a Herculean task most of the times. So when I am conscious of the need for control, I redirect my energies either towards art or else baking. Nothing beats kitchen zen, many of you would agree. However, tonight I am in the mood for some digital art. The kind that has to be time consuming for proper fulfillment and an essential dose of satisfaction.  

I feel most inspired to create something when I am at the extremities of the emotion scale. Tonight is such a night and I wish I could do more than just quickly type this post. Lectures must be watched, facts must be assimilated, a long night ahead. But I'd much rather get started on that awesome idea I have in mind. I won't because I cannot afford any more academic suicide. Argh some more restraint!

My parents cried as they said goodbye, and I felt like laughing as I hugged them before walking away in the opposite direction. I tried very hard and the best I could come up with was a chuckle and some inaudible shushing to make it clear that the emotional outpouring was highly unnecessary. My folks didn't budge, they made it clear that they were heart broken and in true parental-style unashamed to show me how much. I did the same thing when I left home for the first time , about ten years younger and more excited than I could recount. I remember settling into my plane seat and finally closing my eyes, exhausted from last minute running around and concealing emotion by being busy. Nothing much has changed. I will always be their child. 


Looking back at the last couple of weeks, I can confidently claim that we spent some quality time after what seemed like ages. The only sour points being the fact that my brother wasn't around and that I chose not to let my parents in on my newest dark secret. I really wanted to tell them than live under this shady umbrella of psuedo-lies till who knows when. I tried on three separate occasions but bigger truth rests in the fact that I am a spineless wuss.

I shall sayonara with the rediscovery of an awesome track reintroduced to me by someone very special who will soon be graced with a long due you-know-who-you-are post. 

When ...

... sleep evades me,

I pray that a song as gentle as this rocks me to sleep.

But Kaavish does not have that effect on me tonight,

So I gaze at an almost blank canvas as melody tinkles in the background.

Until very recently, I could not sleep long stretches into the night. I forgot what deep slumber was all about for several years, and my only comfort lay in the hope that I would not dream of anything disturbing if I did close my eyes long enough to slip into REM. Thankfully the situation is a lot less morbid off late. I have doctors and a few wonderful human beings to thank. I also want to write a tiny note of appreciation to myself for some helpless perseverance. I cannot describe enough but I definitely realize that a tiny seed of adversity has been my antidote all along. 

On nights like these I lay down peacefully and manage to successfully dodge all forms of guilt with much success. I should be working very hard ahead of a predictably insane week, but I am choosing to lie flat on my back, and use a furry pet as my worthy object of distraction. I can hear her purring , my cat Ella. I know I am not alone. And I consider the art of talking to self a gift when I have nothing better to offer my soul, as strange as that sounds. Speaking of strange, I managed to confess my emotions very oddly to a friend and I am now blissfully unaware of what to do next. So I will do nothing. 

May I offer you a picture that is testimony of a calm facade? 

A pair of ducks - Lake Harriet - August 2010

And maybe a song too -

While you sleep you'll see me there 
Clouds race across the sky 
Close your eyes and don't ask why 
And I'll be a blue moon in your eyes 

A Love Like That

Reflections amid the saltiness of the Dead Sea, Syria - Dec 2007

I know my posts are dishing out to be very sappy off late. I will redeem myself soon, however in the meantime a man wins my admiration. His name is John Steinbeck.

And I quote from the all-resourceful Wikipedia:

In 1962, Steinbeck won the Nobel Prize for literature for his 'realistic and imaginative writing, combining as it does sympathetic humor and keen social perception'. On the day of the announcement when he was asked by a reporter at a press conference given by his publisher, if he thought he deserved the Nobel, he said: "Frankly, no".

In his acceptance speech later in the year in Stockholm, he said:

"The writer is delegated to declare and to celebrate man's proven capacity for greatness of heart and spirit—for gallantry in defeat, for courage, compassion and love. In the endless war against weakness and despair, these are the bright rally flags of hope and of emulation. I hold that a writer who does not believe in the perfectibility of man has no dedication nor any membership in literature." 

Swatcat, my model and friend, shared a quote this morning. Honestly, other than Khalil Gibran , no other author wins my fancy. However I must admit Steinberg earns my respect for wonderfully describing Love in a note to his son and he moves me enough to want to share with you as well -

There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you - of kindness and consideration and respect - not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness even wisdom you didn't know you had.

I have been fortunate to know a love like that.

Share with you an interesting piece from Travis , I really like the video -

Of Imperfections On A Beautiful Day

I start this post with absolutely no idea of what I am going to write about. I just figured a phrase about imperfections may be a good way to catch your attention. Or maybe it's some inane desire to express myself tonight even though I cannot put my finger on what it is that I am really feeling at this moment. I think the latter statement has more truth in it. There, I already feel better that I am no longer conning you into thinking that this is going to get very interesting, so you choose to continue at your own risk. At worst, you would have thrown away some more of your precious time into harmless cyberspace, which I am sure isn't as bad as other horrible things that could happen to you right now :)

Today has been a good day for multiple reasons. I began my morning with a relaxing walk under light drizzle. I had petrichor to greet me and some happy thoughts running through my head. (Hey, I learn these strange words thanks to a certain namesake). I suppose I lucked out big-time this morning because to my right sat Gotu, while I happily munched on buttered toast and nutty pancakes at Al's, the fabled breakfast place in Dinkytown, Minneapolis. I consider myself lucky because it is almost by chance that I hooked up with G who magically gets finger-counted among good company at the U. So, in a sequence of rather fortunate events, we walked under green trees and pretty blue skies. Not only that, I kicked some wet mud as my feet landed on the earth and the wind gently kissed my face. It was just an innocent detour. It was a swing. It was a grassy park. It was a handful of handsome smiles. In those moments, it was all perfection.

And don't you just love going back to sleep late into the morning after with a belly-full of great breakfast? Rare occasion as I laid my head on the cool side of my pillow and curled up for two extra hours of the day. The sleep was exquisite and so were the silly dreams of home. My Ella then decided to stick her tongue out to properly signify blissful nap state, and I've never seen her do that before. Oddly enough, I didn't think I would be too fond of felines however this cat redefines pet innocence every single day. Yes, every single day and then she sells me out. If that isn't ransom, I am not sure what is.

Ella cuddle-face pink tongue - 17 Apr 2012

I am not sure if I should chronicle everything about this nearly awesome day so I will skip details for the sake of people's privacy and the ungodly hour of the night. Filtering is also essential when it comes to forms of expression, and I have not learned this lesson too well but I try. Most significantly, I watched Garden State for the second time (Caught an immediate release way back in 2004, compulsion to document useless facts in this blog) and cheered up at this scene among others :

The very talented Zach Braff won the grammy for the awesome songs that he apparently hand-picked for this movie. I think my favorite part of the movie is how it ends with a lot less perfection than one would expect of movie stories. Of not knowing what to do. Of allowing life to steer you through rough patches without much resistance. And as I said earlier, I am not sure myself tonight. I don't know where I am really headed in life but what I am aware of for sure is that satisfaction is today and now. I also suspect that a large part of it has also got to do with euphoric feelings of attraction, but heck I am going to permit myself to take advantage of beauty in the breakdown.

And if you took to me

Like the gull takes to the wind...

Tum chalo toh apna desh chale

I am not sure what patriotism is all about. I have thought about it at length, and the end result is a mere string of emotions that is purely personal in nature. Many people have tried to define it, and like anything else that is a matter of perspective, patriotism is difficult to sketch. Being patriotic means different things to different people, so I am a little wary of my own attempt at articulating it. Joy, truth, war, hatred, forgiveness and love fall into a similar category of hard-to-describe words.

So today, I will simply re-iterate a couple of lines from Prasoon Joshi's recent poetry - they tug at me and remind me of my love for India. My saving grace is that songs have a way of allowing for open interpretation.

... Tere ishq ka ye junoon hai,

Rag rag mein ishq tera daudta

Yeh bawra sa khoon hai.

~ From Satyamev Jayate's Theme Song

Yeh woh bandan hai jo tooth nahee sakta ...

Home is where the heart is - #UniteBahrain

Can we start over Bahrain?

Quickie #001

Anyone Else But You

I could stop thinking about you if I really tried, but I don't.

I want cool breeze to blow through my hair and yours,

But I doubt we'll walk with locked fingers by the seas.

Something tells me this will pass like the ebbs of a dying wind,

And we'll be left with pretty impressions in the sands.

So I nudge my imagination to shush a little,

But it is hard as I hang on to weak shreds of patience.

I know I ought to be happy with gathering memories,

So why do I allow my heart to dream of anything more...

... Of recklessness and craziness.

You probably don't know, but I do...

.. that I would kiss you in a beat if you came any closer.

Muskaan

I can see your face so clear,

making me happy,

the world must understand..

~ From The shadow of your smile by Marvin Gaye

Way back in 2006 I logged something to the effect of - If a guy's charm doesn't knock me off, his smile surely will. Very little has changed since that first admission. I suppose I can now generalize the confession towards both genders and say with absolute certainty that I notice gorgeous smiles and refuse to forget about them. Facial features, physical gestures and gait usually register in my memory with minimal effort. Not much of consciousness there but then I find myself remembering contours and lines, especially around the lips and eyes. There are a few faces that come to mind now, as I think of their beautiful smiles and recount the details of those moments.

• I poked you with my index finger (gently?) and you turned to look at me with an expression .. an expression that was memorably sweet as you said Hi!... I had to turn away in a split second, but your smile lingered in my mind as I stood in line and it left me rather surprised that I hadn't noticed you before. In retrospect, I am sure that you didn't expect me to appear so suddenly from the other direction, because I've hardly seen you react with that expression. A moment's chance but I'm so glad I caught it - the fine lines near the corners of your eyes (Eyes - I discovered soon later they are the shape of almonds), the arched ones around your lips and your teeth that showed a little because of the fullness of your smile. You brightened my mood on that chilly morning and inspired me to write this post, so take a bow.

• Dear girl behind the cash register : I hope you never come across this blog, even by mistake. I don't want you to get conscious of the fact that I sometimes look forward to that short walk from the class to the bus stop with a simple and tiny hope that you'll look up at me from your table. And if that happens, you acknowledge my presence and then, as if so naturally, I decide to buy a candy even if I don't want one. You are beautiful and I mumbled that once in a fleeting conversation.. I didn't however elaborate that your gentle face adorns the prettiest smile I've seen in ages. While you're busy clicking keys, I catch a few stares to take in details. Among other things I find not an ounce of make up , not even kohl on your tall figurine. Only a hastily tied pony tail, your hazel eyes and a lazy fringe to frame the picture in my mind.

• How many people have been floored by your great looks? Perhaps you don't care much to keep a count off-late. Yes, you are all of attractive as attractive can get. However both of us know that I am no stranger to the mischievous side to your personality, as much as I am aware of your deep vulnerability and immense strength , all in that tiny package. So - like many other days, I will talk of your smile that has an uncanny knack of illuminating the darkest room in the hallway. I watch you tilt your head full of brown wavy hair that is in nice contrast to your pale skin. And when you smile , your green eyes light up and twinkle for a while only to gently reduce in size moments later. Those eyes almost shut by now, but just enough to warm spirits. It's hard not to cheer up with that kind of infectiousness.

• This is by no means your most celebrated introduction , but cousin I cross my fingers and fervently hope you don't get succored into believing the insults they keep throwing at you. Your life is taking strange turns, most of them not the ideal kind. But today I want to compliment you for what should be an excuse to celebrate, and even so win a rare acknowledgement from the sensible few at home. Observation tells me you've inherited that brilliant grin from your mother's genes. I really don't want to feel this when I am supposed to be talking of smiles, but every time I recollect memories of you I can only distinctly remember you getting into trouble. For one reason or the other. I will not blame you like the rest or worse still point fingers at the influences. Instead, I choose to attribute it all as the outcome of your environment and experiences that you had little control over. The last time we met, there was hardly any time for sensible conversation. Oddly enough, I don't think you had much to smile about then. It makes me angry that you just might turn into the colossal failure that everyone is shamelessly predicting about behind your back. However, I hold in my heart enough optimism to consider all of them liars. Let me also tell you that unbeknownst to the elders, there are many black sheep in the family, but certainly only a single dark one who bears a smile as spectacular as yours.

The shadow of your smile

When you are gone

Will color all my dreams

And light the dawn..

~ From The shadow of your smile by Marvin Gaye

Burt and Success

Apologies for the extremely dumb-ed out title to this post.

Yesterday, my friend Goat and I attended a really fun and well-presented talk by Ron Burt (RB) who is currently visiting the U. Among other things, this sociologist fulfilled my quotient of being quite the entertaining kind and kept the small crowd of intellects , academics and skeptics amused through dialogue and pictures.

I must admit that I started off as being curiously interested in his work (As a side, RB is the father of the structural holes concept) .. And as the talk came to a close, strangely enough his arguments weren't so convincing anymore, or maybe a better word to use is non-intuitive. Ron spoke about Network-Related Personality and the Agency Question: Multi-Role Evidence from a Virtual World. He had stats and graphs extrapolated from actual data and studies on EverQuest , but something didn't fit.

I think his study seemed to imply that loosely associated individuals (i.e. those that have weaker connections within their social clusters), have a higher chance of attaining success and growth in the industry. Yes, so if you are part of a network (personal or professional) that has more spokes as opposed to triangles, it is likely that you will have more opportunities to grow , make money and acquire other worldly successes. Other real life examples included - he came up with Professor-student & Gamer1-Gamer2 analogies that made sense on paper and were logical for the sake of argument. But then..and I don't admit this particular fact too much, but lo and behold - Logic isn't sufficient at times.. And there was no mental picture nor a culmination of ideas that formulated itself to make go 'Aaaah, of course it is like that'.

Here look at this graph:

(I tried in vain to change the orientation but Blogspot editor is not reciprocating in any way that I would call friendly. Dislike bad UIs)

Anyway.. so in the x-axis ,if you tilt your head just enough, is the degree of structural or network constraint in social space. Lower down, you have more structural holes (gaping at you) , i.e. fewer tight associations with any particular group of individuals. As you go further, the number of holes decrease and your community gets knitted tightly. This is scaled from 0 to 100, and as you can see 35 is the median. 100% implies you are literally stuck in the abyss of connections who think , eat , function, talk and probably even dress up like you.

On the y-axis (and for this you must do a 90 degree shift of the neck) there is an indicator of your Performance - measured using z score that takes into account evaluation, compensation and promotion.

Now the graph clearly shows that success is somewhat inversely proportional to the number of structural holes i.e. if you stand out or are mostly disassociated , you get more moolah. Hmm, okay so yes one has to be unique in contribution and bring out new ideas to get noticed, but here we are talking about actual associations with folk you surround yourself with, whether by choice or otherwise. Both virtual and in the real physical sense. Apparently, a smaller count of triangles est good.

So the questions to think about are - "How much does personality matter for network advantage?" OR "Is it even possible to measure an ego's network advantage in a given role and then deduce the level of success and achievement by simply looking at the ego's social graph?"

I tend to be aloof by choice and if needed. At several points I even felt like a loner, as if common sense wasn't common any more, as if I had more to criticize than appreciate in a world so imperfect. But I couldn't have made it this far without mooching off the brains and experiences of the several interesting people I have associated myself with over the years. I continue to do so, it's an ongoing process , like culturing bacteria in a petri-dish.

I haven't done research to say with any kind of conviction that I am right in my post analysis of RB's speech. And I don't have substantial proof other than a self example which isn't allowed in real world science. No personal biases and all that, right? However, I have made a decent number of climbs both in school and at work, and I believe I lie somewhere around the pencil squiggly in the graph. You know.. I like to think that I am special and dreamily stand out, but I know for sure that my ties, my social circle and the people I have subconsciously associated with have greatly influenced my current position. And I also like to think I have had a fair share of successes, and am happy even with a dwindling bank balance and a bus pass for the local metro *Smug* Clearly, degree of connected-ness is not the only factor influencing the good things you've achieved in life. Not black and white, but a million shades of grey.

Yes, I have picked my connections with deliberation. If you are my friend, then I hope it is evident to you that the conversations last long because I think your opinions are interesting and bring to the table a perspective I don't already see. And I secretly hope you reciprocate in similar thought. About life, about work, about the neighborhood tea stall, about the quality of fabric in a store, about a painting, about the sky and the constellations, about annoying traits in the family, about silence and nothing intelligent.. I am associated with you because deep inside , and even though I don't always realize it, your link adds a certain amount value which has some measure of positive weight in my graph. Else sadly enough, I would get bored and find myself eventually ignoring you simply put... I am so snooty like that. Oh well forgive me. Or don't.

P.S.

I know I don't have an audience as such, but what do you think? (Since you've reached till here, care to tell me?)

P.P.S.

Haha I just realized that I started and ended this post with apologies. Note to self that must be remedied -_-.

Read more about Ron Burt, his work and his brilliant mind - Personal pick as an engaging scientist and sociologist.

A Picture Speaks ...

... A Thousand Words, Or Maybe A Few Thousand Words.

Someday I will own a nice book shelf, till then a mini-makeshift-library housing my conquests of the past 2 years (actually, some old)

1. Why Fear ~ Robert Hicks, gifted by AMV

2. Pets That Want To Kill Themselves ~ Duncan Birmingham

3. Things That Suck ~ Jason Kaplan

4. Unlocking The Clubhouse ~ Margolis and Fisher

5. The Blessings of The Animals ~ Katrina Kittle

6. For You, My Daughter ~ A collection of poems edited by Susan Polis Schutz, gifted by LMM

7. The Design of Everyday Things ~ Donald A. Norman

8. Fooled by Randomness ~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

9. Meaningful Coincidence ~ Marshall Cavendish

10. Dewey's Nine Lives ~ Vicki Myron with Bret Witter

11. The Faith To Doubt ~ Steven Batchelor

12. The Proust Project ~ Edited by Andre Aciman

13. Inside Intuit ~ Taylor Schroeder

14. Behind The Dolphin Smile ~ O'Barry with Coulbourn

15. Of Parrots and People ~ Mire Tweti

16. The Art of Racing In The Rain ~ Gareth Stein

17. Other Colors ~ Orhan Pamuk

18. God's Last Words : Reading the English Bible, from the Reformation to Fundamentalism ~ Katz

19. Through A Dog's Eyes ~ Jennifer Arnold

20. Women Don't Ask ~ Linda Babcock and Sarah Laschever

21. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

22. Luka And The Fire of Life ~ Salman Rushdie

23. Inside The Human Genome, A Case For Non-intelligent Design ~ John C. Avise

24. Introduction to Algorithms ~ Cormen et al

25. Geek Logik , Foolproof Equations For Everyday Life ~ Sundem

26. RESTful.NET ~ Jon Flanders

27. Maximum City ~ Suketu Mehta

28. Pitch ~ A collection of Poems by Todd Boss

29. Paws and Effect ~ Sharon Sakson

30. Love's Mind ~ An essay on Contemplative Life by John S. Dunne

31. Time, Space And Knowledge ~ Tarthang Tulku

32. The Knitchick's Guide To Sweaters ~ Karp and Wall

33. Walking Twin Cities ~ Day and Wick, gifted by NUB

34. Diary of a Wimpy Kid , Dog Days ~ Jeff Kinney

35. Global Vegetarian Cooking ~ Troth Wells

36. The New Best Recipe Collection ~ By the editors of Cook's Illustrated

37. How To Be A Domestic Goddess , Baking and the Art of Comfort Cooking ~ Nigella Lawson

38. The Candlelight Inn Cookbook ~ Lynette Gudrais

39. Tatting Jewellery ~ Lyn Morton, gifted by KAG

40. Slow Cooker Revolution ~ America's Test Kitchen

41. Best-Loved Slow Cooker Recipes ~ By Crockpot

42. Interaction Design , Beyond Human Computer Interaction ~ Sharp, Rogers and Preece

43. Product Design and Development ~ Ulrich and Eppinger

44. Intro to the Practice of Statistics ~ Moore , McCabe and Craig

45. Solo Guitar Playing, Book 1 ~ Noad

46. The Far Side Gallery, Book 4 ~ Gary Larso

47. Food Network Magazine, The Chocolate Issue

48. Learn To Tat ~ Janette Baker, gifted by KAG

49. Keep Calm And Have A Cupcake ~ A log of recent events , gifted by SS, from the Minneapolis Institute of Art

50. The Kindle ~ Housing the entire Diary of A Wimpy Kid series and other lesser known titles, gifted by SA

51. The Bible ~ NIV , gifted by GRS

Wordless Monday - #1

Boynton Wall- Acceptance- 15 March 2012

OK I guess I lied, not so wordless. But but but its my friend's birthday today and we're putting things in perspective, right Sully? Always right and smug.

Of Happy Endings

~Satin~

Unwrap

Unfold

Deep pleasure

Dizzy heights

Move in me, Move me.

Tease

Tantalize

Crush

Dream rush

Move in me , Move me.

-19 June 2008

Stray flowers on a windy morning - Pune nostalgia - 18 May 2006

[[^^ This image was originally posted in my older blog and now lies abandoned in the ethos of cyber space. I cannot wipe it off because I don't remember the answer to my safety question anymore. Someday I will write about 'so-safe-even-you-cant-find-it' Haha.

Original caption - If you are here, then you are not common ]]

My friend K who claims to watch too many TV shows recently sent me this text -

Meredith: Stop whining. This is your wedding day. You will go down that aisle. You will get married! If I have to kick you ass, every step by the way to get you there. You will walk down that aisle and you will get married. Do you hear me Cristina? We need this. We need you to get your happy ending.

- Grey's Anatomy - Didn't we almost have it all? - Season 3 , 2007

Call me silly, but I believe in happy endings. And multiple happy endings. Pun intended, of course. You know .. Life is about taking those risks and long shots. About putting yourself out there , even opening up to being completely vulnerable if it comes to that. It isn't about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Because - there is a different kind of strength when one is honest with what the body and mind wants. Being honest also implies that isn't about success rate any more. Some times you may have to laugh at your silly self, so it is important to be prepared and FIDO**. You live and you learn, you move on. Or you move in me, you move me.

Where your gardens have no walls..

** FIDO isn't Free Intimate Dog Obedience. Pbbbt! It is one of my favorite-favorite acronyms. You wonder? Then, I leave this as an exercise for thy curious self.

What is ze Gabutooch?

Strange title for a virtual space, many of you have asked me why. I planned for this post to go out much later, but I suppose today is as good a day as any other

Gabutooch translates to 'Come give me a kiss' if yelled at a particular pitch and tone to my dog Romeo. I cannot quite remember how that evolved, but I vaguely recollect that my brother used it while babbling to a little golden pup and the rest is pretty much history. I then adopted the babble sound as my online nickname a few years back. It's unique because it is just a silly sound, and I always have it available no matter where I register.

Favorite pic of my furry friend - Feb 2007

There are several variations to Gabutooch when I converse with Romeo, and it is amazing how he understands more than just babble. Goldens are an intelligent breed in general and I am grateful for the day he tottered into my life. How did happily ever after happen? Stay tuned.

Fall Like A Feather

Dec 2007 -

I cannot quite remember if I was looking for anything in particular on that sunny afternoon in the gorgeous hallways of a church in Jerusalem. A prayer stared at me everywhere I looked, the same prayer translated in different languages of the world, for everyone to read.

Was I looking for solitude as I attempted to lose the rest of the group? I am sure I was thinking about my misgivings with regard to religion. The more I think about it, the more I am ill-convinced. Disbelieving of the whole farce that constitutes the perfect path to eternal life. Only one road, apparently. The hogwash just gets to me sometimes. Sorry I digress. So, my photographer friend found me and captured this memory. Thank you C, you are as wonderful as your pictures. Calm is how I felt and it was pretty.

4 Mar 2012 -

I was asked to read a few lines as I silently blended with perfect strangers seated in an almost-perfect circle at our church foyer in Minneapolis.

I didn't have any preparation time, so my heart raced a little at the prospect of reading out these lines -

When you pray lay aside thoughts that peck the body and dive after souls.

Lay aside fears that give birth to needs, concerns that lay ambush to the future, mistakes that make poison the past.

When you pray lay aside thoughts of where you are and what you are doing, of your struggle to walk the path, and even your hopes to leave behind a few final footsteps in the sand.

Then pull from under you what little ground you still stand on and fall like a feather into the hand of God.

Rest there so lightly that when you think about it (which you will not do) , you will feel no longer where you end and where God begins.

(Henri Nouwen)

I am not sure why I was randomly asked to read these lines at the end of a short but sweet busy-person Lenten retreat. It was a one-on-one kind and my spiritual director friend just focused on centering silence for me, because I asked for silence.

I then looked up at these unknown faces, and it didn't matter any more as I sat there awed at a tiny miracle in those few moments of reflection. Calm is how I felt and it was pretty.

Stained Glass @ Newman Center - Mar 2012

I later learned about the interesting life of the deceased author Henri Jozef Machiel Nouwen and a documented account of his struggles.